It’s hard to sleep when you’re afraid of having nightmares. Even when the calm of the night settles in and the creaking of the house stops putting you on edge and you can start to focus on the softness of the pillow and the cocoon-like feeling you get when swaddled in blankets while curled around a stuffed animal…the thoughts start buzzing in. “Oh my god my feet are freezing. If I put socks on I’ll get hot later…but I’m cold NOW. Why won’t my cat SETTLE DOWN? What is that gurgling noise, is that the water tank? CAT. STOP SITTING ON MY FACE. I think she’s trying to smother me. Have I cleaned her litter box lately? I’ll do it tomorrow. Did I take my meds tonight? Why can’t I SLEEP? What time is it? I really don’t wanna go to work tomorrow.”
Aside from self sleep deprivation, the anxiety is keeping me from moving forward in my life. I don’t know how to get out of retail and into a better job. I’m not sure I want to have a job in what I studied. I can’t be a freelance artist with the lack of reputation I have. Making a living off of stained glass commissions and crocheting scoodies? I wouldn’t even be able to afford ramen. I’m interested in taxidermy, but school for that averages at $8-9K. Even then, I’d have to move out of the state to get a decent clientele from hunters or museums. I can’t even afford rent now (I’m lucky my parents let me live at home), how could I afford moving away without any idea what I’ll be doing when I get there? So many people can do that, but the fear of the unknown is crippling.
The fact that I have to rehearse in my head the asking of a simple question like “Oh, you speak Swedish? I’m trying to learn” when I notice a customer’s phone is set in a different language, and then chickening out because that’s more social effort than I sign up for on any given day. And despite my handful of friends and family who say that I can talk to them at any time, even if it means waking them up at 3am because I feel like a failure…I can’t do it. The impossible prospect of interrupting their sleep, burdening them with more emotional baggage, or the grueling task of just trying to put into words what I’m feeling and why (if I even know why), creates a massive blockage that prevents me from picking up the phone or waking them up. I know they’re there for me and I know they want to help me, but when the moment comes to ask…I can’t. So then it feeds the feeling of being alone (when I know I’m not), and I cry myself to sleep while trying to breathe through the faucet of snot that won’t shut off.
My spirituality is hard to keep intact when my mentor is hundreds of miles away, dealing with her own issues of a new house and all that life has thrown at her. My friends are drifting apart, drama brews, hardships blossom, and I feel helpless to aid their coping. All I want to do is sleep, but I don’t want to because I don’t want nightmares.
I’m in therapy but I don’t know when I’ll achieve my equilibrium again. The breathing is getting harder. I’m still trying to ground. Just needed to purge the thoughts and feelings into words that won’t make sense when I read them tomorrow.
Finding Stability: Grounding Amidst the Chaos 